I want to throw up.
Here I am about to uproot myself for the unknown in the PNW – the most irresponsible thing I’ve done so far in this lifetime. While I’m proud of myself for fulfilling a dream I’ve held since I was 19, I’m also pretty fucking terrified of the idea that I’ll be moving to a new(ish) state without a job or my family nearby.
For the last month I’ve been in a funk. While I’m known to plan ahead of time and have a plan a, b, c and d in my back pocket just in case things don’t pan out, this time around I’m blank. I’m slow to accomplish tasks, slow to pack, slow to process the fact that I’m really leaving. To be quite honest, every time I think about moving I burst into tears. I figured that if I don’t think about moving – even if it’s only two states away – I found feel so anxious and sad. It’s not really about moving towards the unknown though..it’s more so thinking about time. I went away for 4 years for school and during that time I didn’t get to know my parents, my grandma, spend time with my aging dog.
To think that I’m again willing to move away has me feeling all sorts of sadness. It’s hard to enjoy the present when you know that nothing is ever promised. Shit changes, things happen, time keeps going forward. Maybe it’s morbid to think about, maybe it’s not. It’s real though, my thoughts are real.
Here’s to new experiences and hopefully no heart attacks about life.
xx/jack
a series of me 