the uncertainty of all things

it’s been a while since i’ve felt the need to blog at three in the morning. here i am, woken up by a surge of anxiety. another dreamless sleep when i’ve been so accustomed to nightly lucid dreaming.

i’ve been reluctant to talk about what’s currently going on in the world because i don’t necessarily want to believe it…or rather it feels unbelievable. i’m definitely not saying that i’m living in blissful ignorance and pretending like nothing is happening. i’m well aware of everything going on. it’s just that writing about it, writing about my feelings, about all of this makes everything much more real. writing this brings me into a spiral of worry but i’m hopeful this aids in my attempt to soothe myself because this is what i do best: write and reflect.

covid-19/the corona virus has taken so so many lives and made so many others ill. this is so real for the families who lost their loved ones. my mom’s company is currently in production to produce testing kits. i hope they are distributed as quickly as possible. a vaccine isn’t readily available at the moment because of clinical trials testing. i hope that it’s the answer to a lot of uncertain things. people are losing their jobs and i wonder if the economy will be able to rebuild itself after this. i wonder a lot.

it’s been a month since i’ve been home for my thirtieth birthday. thirty days ago the world wasn’t in the state it’s in. people weren’t stocking up like they’re about to go underground in their bomb shelters. everyone was still going into work or school. life wasn’t upended. life wasn’t entirely uncertain – there was still a semblance of normalcy. whatever that meant for you.

2020 has barely started and it’s already a fiery shitshow. unbelievable. i can’t bear to think what the rest of the year will look like. i can’t bear to think that things won’t get better anytime soon.

i’m beginning my third week of work-mandated and now state-mandated work from home. it’s boring but easier with roommates. the first two weeks were fine but i’m noticing that i’m feeling claustrophobic. i want to be in contact with other humans too. i’m also missing the ability to separate work and home.

my biggest worry is that i won’t be able to go home to SJ anytime soon. freely hopping an hour and a half flight to CA is no longer safe. while i didn’t have any real plans to visit my family in the coming months just that idea that it’s not a possibility is sort of killing me. i miss my dog. in the times i’ve been anxious Elliott was there to calm me down. i miss my family. i worry if my parents are taking extra precautions by not going anywhere. i worry that Lola is still a social butterfly. i worry about my family in the philippines and wonder if they’re okay and how they’re handling things. i worry that they don’t have access to healthcare. i’m just worried.

i’m so appreciative of the healthcare workers, scientists, humans making sure that others have enough to eat – basically everyone who is trying to combat this. i can’t really think of anything i can do to help out other than staying in and making sure that i don’t transmit something i’m not sure i have to someone else who could potentially get really sick/die.

wash your fucking hands, cover your coughs and sneezes and for the love of god, throw away your used tissues.


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