it’s been a while. again. just wanting to check in with all of you.
it’s no secret that I struggle with anxiety and ptsd. I haven’t been doing as well as I’d like but I know it’s stemming from what the world has been going through. I think some of you can agree that it’s been hard to focus. like. incredibly difficult. I sometimes wonder if I were to come off my anxiety medication if things would be 1000x more magnified. probably, right? I’m aware that I haven’t been easy on myself…I’m beating myself up over the fact that I haven’t accomplished very much in the last seven months. throughout quarantine I’ve noticed people testing out the entrepreneurial waters. I’m jealous of them – of the fact that they can put energy into something they enjoy and produce wonderful results. I can barely find the energy to just kinda be but what’s strange is that I’m always looking to adventure even if I can’t at the moment.
there have been countless times I’ve opened up my notes app on my phone to write random thoughts in hopes that it’ll produce more material for my WIP novel…or even just something I want to journal about later in the day. if I’m being honest, it’s been quite difficult to muster enough energy to deal with my feelings by writing. my last journal entry was on March 1, 2020 and I basically mused about hiding how I feel and if I would seem a bit nuts if I were to bring this up to certain folks.
when I look at my yellow notebook, I see that I have unfinished thoughts. sentences that could potentially be formed into lyrics. but I keep them private for only me to feel and relive in my head. some topics I touch are uncertainty, love…fear. human things. normal things. I feel a bit numb seeing the chaos of my surroundings.
I haven’t been fueling my creativity as much as I normally would. I haven’t been feeling like myself. the lack of movement seems to be causing a lack in a lot of areas in my life. it took forever to find any inspiration in making floral arrangements. this is something I love to do. something that brightens me up. the one thing I’d love to do as a profession.